jasonenglish1.com

This Weight Watchers stuff really works. I need an endorsement deal to help defray baby costs. I’ve got some terrifying ‘Before’ pictures that would work great in banner ads.

So much for my Hornets-will-win-it-all prediction.

From the Wikipedia entry for Lakers vs. Celtics and the NBA Playoffs:

“Many of the signature moves were inserted without players consent. Moves such as Charles Barkley’s gorilla dunk drew controversy and would affect the future of signatures moves and the marketing of the moves for future basketball games.”

Anyone know where to find an online simulation of this game? My usual source for these things is EveryVideoGame.com.

As for this series, I think the Lakers win in six. Phil Jackson trumps Doc Rivers.

There’s a lot of stuff I’ve been meaning to write about, but the inability to upload photos has gotten in the way. (That issue still isn’t resolved. We found a workaround solution that will work for now.) Let’s get right to it, and mix in some Crazy Predictions.

• My sister Karen is engaged! Congrats! Her and Keith are just now beginning to learn the joys of wedding planning. Good luck deciding who’s not worthy of an invitation. Is a wedding website in the works?

• A press release from the Office of Bryan T. Pojanowski: “I am pleased and honored to announce that in the state-wide election of April 22, 2008, I was elected as a member of Allentown’s 17th Ward, 1st district to the Republican County Committee. It was a landside victory where I garnered 100% of the vote. I’d like to thank my wife, Emily, for providing the one vote that propelled me to victory! I look forward to your future support.” Reliable sources say he’s got his eye on Arlen Specter’s Senate seat. I’ll be sure to get a better photo for the next update. I want to see him on Hardball as a surrogate for John McCain.

• The Cleveland Indians will win the 2008 World Series.

• Outside of the news on Senator Pojanowski, I know no one is reading this blog for political commentary. (No one is reading at all, really.) But I think the low moment of the Presidential campaign was this question Obama was asked by George Stephanopoulos: “Do you think Reverend Wright loves America as much as you do?” So awful. One political prediction—Hillary will not be his VP.

• You may have noticed that things look a little different around here. I like this font and I like the color blue. Plus I was never sure what that picture at the top of the old design was all about. One negative—the Blogroll has disappeared. One of these days, I’ll look into that.

• After one month on Weight Watchers, I’ve lost 9.4 pounds (down to 189.6). Still a long way from my target of 175, but it’s good to be back in the 180s.

• The New Orleans Hornets will win the 2008 NBA Championship. (Guess I’m a little late posting this one.

This blog has been neglected of late. And although I’ve been the one doing the neglecting, it’s not all my fault. WordPress is all buggy and will not let me upload photos. Believe me, I have photos to upload. Our new concrete walkway, some ‘Before’ pics (I’ve completed two weeks on Weight Watchers and the pounds are melting away—one of these days, I’ll post a ‘During’ photo), various shots of the dog, and so on.

My good friend and favorite consultant Noah Brier upgraded me to WordPress 2.5.1. I am very fortunate to have access to Noah and his powers. The image-uploading problems persist, but for now, I can borrow a little mental_floss bandwith to post important photos. Like this:

Down from 199.0 to 193.0. The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams, indeed.

This election cycle, when it comes to cable news, I’m an MSNBC man. If parent company General Electric held a contest that raffled off the chance to dine with Tim Russert, Chris Matthews, Pat Buchanan, Chuck Todd, Andrea Mitchell, Eugene Robinson and Rachel Maddow, I’d find a way to cheat. For baby names, we’re considering Joseph Scarborough English.

So when Ellen read this week’s 8,000-word Chris Matthews profile in The New York Times Magazine, she knew I’d eat it up. It’s a tremendously insightful piece that looks at the tensions inside NBC News—namely Russert vs. Matthews and Matthews vs. Olbermann—and doesn’t give much hope for Matthews’ future with the network (his contract is up in June 2009; possible next steps include taking over Face the Nation on CBS or running for Senate).

Many of those 8,000 words are devoted to mocking Matthews’ name-dropping, making him seem like a more successful incarnation of David Brent (or Michael Scott, depending on how much BBC you watch). Here’s one of the many memorable passages:

“As I began researching this article, Jeremy Gaines, an MSNBC spokesman, gave me the names of about a dozen people that Matthews recommended I speak to, all famous — everyone from Nancy Pelosi to Marvin Hamlisch. But gatekeepers for more than one of these people expressed confusion as to why Matthews would refer me to them. “Please keep us out of this,” pleaded a spokesperson for one prominent politician whom Matthews had recommended via Gaines.”

Can’t wait for the Pennsylvania Primary, and seven awkward hours of MSNBC’s exhaustive coverage. I’d better work from home.

Read the entire piece: The Aria of Chris Matthews

Here are a few pics of my former LA residence, 2604 DeVista Place, which I shared with five roommates—and dozens of visitors—in 2000. My photos turned out terrible, but I found beautiful shots on devistaplace.com.

The description is as nice as the photos: “A clean-lined, mid-century oasis with walls of glass and vibrant canyon and city light views.”

Slightly less clean-lined during our tenure.

Bothering strangers at Santa Monica Pier.

Channeling my inner paparazzi.

Ellen’s on the far left.

Ignoring the cameras, Ellen speaks.

And with this photo, we called it a night. I swear my tie was tied tighter for most of the evening.

It’s mostly this.

Mr. English,

Per our conversation your account has been refunded in full.

Below is my contact information, if you ever need any further assistance in the future, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Let me assure you this is not typical of the way we do business.

Thank you for taking the time to let us know about your recent experience and for giving us the opportunity to make this right for you.

I love it when things work out in the end.

Dear FTD:

I ordered Valentine’s Day roses for my wife, which were not delivered.

I expressed my displeasure through this form Thursday night, and I just received this email from “Robert,” which I actually find offensive: “Thank you for your recent purchase from FTD.COM for Ellen English. We’re sorry that your experience was less than satisfactory. FTD.COM strives to provide you with the very finest service. We have refunded your credit card 20 percent of the merchandise cost for late delivery.”

I will not pay one penny for the half-dead flowers she received Friday afternoon. I have filed a dispute through American Express. Please do the honorable thing and refund my entire $75 purchase. You didn’t do an 80% satisfactory job here. You scored a zero, and deserve to be paid accordingly.

I have had good service through FTD in the past, and would consider using your company in the future. Only if, of course, you live up to your SATISFACTION GUARANTEE: “We guarantee fresh, beautiful floral arrangements and plants that will last at least seven days. If you are not satisfied with the freshness of your flowers, please contact us within that time period and we will replace your item or refund your money.”

Where can I send you a picture of what the flowers looked like upon arrival? FTD should be embarrassed. Again, full refund. No room for negotiations. Please don’t send another slimy “how about 20% off?” email. That’s beneath you.

Thank you,

Jason

Yes, it lacks the story arc of my Sprint customer service nightmare. I promise to spend 3-4 hours on my rebuttal to their inevitable “The Satisfaction Guarantee is not valid on major holidays” canned response.

Update: Satisfaction granted.

I just received this email from Sanjay:

Tonight, I got a call from an MHRHSD Hall of Fame Committee member to verify my info and to talk about myself.

I know that there were a lot of former Morris Knolls graduates who were nominated for MHRHSD Hall of Fame. I was told that I’ll be communicated in about 2 weeks.

Sanjay
Mr. Sanjay Iyer

He’s got my endorsement.

[More reunion photos here.]

This is wonderful, and unexpected. Here’s what I wrote on September 6, 2007:

“I’m expecting a long year for the Giants – 8-8 at best, with plenty of off-the-field nonsense and five months of ‘We Want Cowher’ chants in the Meadowlands.”

I’m so thrilled I was so wrong. Should be a great two weeks for sports-talk radio in New York.

The opening line is Pats by 14. I’ll take the Giants and the points.

Not sure if these are real or not, but I’m pretty sure I don’t care:

12 of the Best Homeless Signs

Did you ever read something that made you think, “Wow, I do the exact same thing!”? Because I just did.

“That is my problem with life, I rush through it, like I’m being chased. Even things whose whole point is slowness, like drinking relaxing tea. When I drink relaxing tea, I suck it down as if I’m in a contest for who can drink relaxing tea the quickest.”

Except for me, this does not resonate metaphorically. In fact, I’m often too methodical when making decisions. But the part about rushing through hot beverages is spot on. I gulp down tea like a dehydrated castaway, provided said dehydrated castaway was, for some reason, after a suitable period of lacking access to liquids, offered a cup of tea.

Anyway, this book is great, and so is its official website.

When I finally broke down and picked up a new MacBook, I was blown away by the Apple Store’s fancy, cash register-free checkout process. The instant I looked ready to buy, a lovable geek approached me with a scanning device, took my credit card, and asked where he should email the receipt. Almost immediately, my BlackBerry started to vibrate, completing our transaction. It’s harder to buy coffee.

Despite a crippling hard drive crash two months in, I still love my laptop. But I do have one complaint: Apple won’t leave me alone.

Like an overbearing acquaintance, Apple has sent me 41 messages since August 11th. I’ve been told the new Leopard operating system was coming; I’ve been told Leopard safely arrived. I’ve been warned three different times that there’s “no better time to buy.” I’ve learned that the perfect gift is an iPod Nano. No, wait, an iPhone! No, a whole new Mac!

I’ve been invited to attend the grand opening of the Lehigh Valley Apple Store, even though that’s roughly 75 miles from my house. And while I was writing this, they told me that time is running out if I want my gifts delivered by Christmas. Better get on that.