jasonenglish1.com

Maternity leave came early to the English household this year. After a few sky-high blood pressure readings, Ellen has been placed on the physically unable to perform (PUP) list. At our last OB appointment, the words, “Labor can happen at any time” were spoken. I’d better get cracking on an out-of-office message of my own.

Spending quality hours on her left side is just what the doctor ordered (quite literally), and Bailey is proving to be a cozy companion. I’ve been working from home, too, and I’m sure we’ll soon look back at these quiet, kinda boring days as the “we-had-no-f**king-idea-what-was-coming” era.

Now read on to see where our first born will be sleeping and storing his or her stuff.

Read the rest of this entry »

As of today, our baby is due next month. I’d be lying if I said that didn’t freak me out a little. But while we (I) may not be ready to swan dive into parenthood, at least this kid won’t be naked or toyless or illegal to transport.

For the last few months, Ellen’s mom has been secretly planning a baby shower. Miraculously, I didn’t spoil the surprise.

Upon seeing this mountain of presents, I realized our house won’t fit a baby and all the equipment it comes with. This either means we’ll need an addition (and I’ll need a second job) or we’ll need a new house (and I’ll need this kid to showcase a very lucrative talent at a very early age).

All those presents didn’t come cheap. In order to fully stock our nursery, Ellen had to open the gifts one by one as fifty friends and relatives stared intently. She took one for team English. (I was back at her parents’ house watching coverage of the Puerto Rico primary.)

Mother and very pregnant daughter.

And this is where our baby will sleep. Unless we get one of those babies that doesn’t.

Thanks to everyone for all the fantastic baby stuff. We’ll put it to good use and take pictures to prove it. Finding a place for everything was a challenge. But at least things don’t get any tougher.

* * * * *

The next stop on the pregnancy train: birthing class! Class 1 (of 4) is tomorrow. I hope stroller assembly is on the syllabus.

We’re into the eighth month, and Bailey is wise to this whole pregnancy thing.

I don’t know what you can extrapolate about children from their behavior in the womb. But if the answer is “lots,” this kid will be a placekicker who argues constantly about his or her bedtime.

Ellen is in full-on nesting mode, which has meant wonderful things for our property value. New (less blue) carpet…

Read the rest of this entry »

We spent the end of March in Los Angeles, where Ellen was serving as her good friend Allison’s matron-of-honor. The trip had many highlights: a golf cart tour of the Sony lot, courtesy of Young Hollywood legend Lou Harrsch; a lavish wedding at the Ritz Carlton, where Wayne Gretzky and the Washington Wizards were staying; (possibly) running into Rashida Jones at the Ralph’s in Beverly Hills (OK, probably not); and a whole lot of driving around, pointing out places important to me during my two LA summers, 1999 and 2000 (”Look, that used to be a fancy Olive Garden!”)

But the best part of our California vacation? Coming home to a freshly painted baby room.

While we were sitting poolside with Darius Songalia, Ellen’s parents and brother were slaving away. This is what they had to work with…

It’s just another way that Ellen and I perfectly complement each other. I’m generally bad at home improvement projects, and her family does stuff like this.

Bailey didn’t help. But she didn’t tip over any paint cans, either.

Now all we need is the baby. And, you know, all that baby stuff. And less-blue carpet.

* * * * *

The Monday we returned, Ellen and I put down our new Flor carpet tiles.

We mistakenly ordered three times too many. The extras still need to go back.

Here’s a round-up of the most recent photos I’ve deemed blog-worthy. Most involve the dog.

In a rare weekday occurrence, I had visitors the other afternoon. After meeting up with Brett Savage and Matt Hall at the still-thriving Pizza Hut Lunch Buffet, they came back to see the redesigned basement and hit a few virtual rounds.

Let me zoom in on that for you…

Bailey was unimpressed.

So this is our rock. An obstacle to yard sports and a breeding ground for stagnant, bacteria-laden rainwater, our rock needs to go. But how? The readers of mental_floss have been offering up suggestions.

Let me know if you have any thoughts, or rock-removal experience. Or a willingness to help.

When we bought our house in 2004, our realtor asked if we were interested in appearing on Moving Up, a new TLC program starring Doug Wilson of Trading Spaces. The show, we were told, would document the improvements we made immediately after moving in, and follow the sellers to their new home. I got the feeling the network would help fund said improvements, to make sure the transition was suitably stark.

Big fans of crazy stories, we were all for it. Unfortunately, the previous owners were not. Our reality TV big break was postponed indefinitely, as were our home improvement dreams.

Over the past month, Ellen and I have finally finished fixing the place up. We converted our yard into a dog park, brightened the walls (and deck), tweaked the furniture alignment, repaired water damage, snaked a clogged pipe, restored phone service and provided outdoor seating. Here’s the photo tour:

Read the rest of this entry »

We’ve finally walled off the rest of the neighborhood. Bailey now has the run of the yard, which is long overdue. Also long overdue: I still haven’t shared the disastrous dog park story I alluded to last year (here and here). One day. After I clear that brush.

Right now, the brush is easily converted to weaponry.

We hosted an overnight guest last Sunday. While Bailey was thrilled to see Alissa, the thought of someone sleeping down the hall was too much to handle. I took an unfortunate paw to the groin during a 3:30am puppy run.

The guest bedroom – or The Green Room, as we cleverly call it while refusing to repaint – overlooks the neighborhood, making this bed the perfect perch for a dog wanting to scare small children. Even though she sleeps with us, Bailey didn’t want to share her hangout. We eventually coaxed her out with Cheerios, then repositioned the hamper to restrict access.

Other highlights of Alissa’s night included Bailey attacking her with this huge stick and lots of ankle-licking. This could be why few people visit.

It’s been a big day for outdoor projects.  You know, the standard.  Mowing, power-washing, planting, sweating, complaining, spraying chemicals to keep us from having to do this again soon. Bailey’s role was to steal this rubber glove and parade around the yard.

Now we’re off to dinner.  A place called Prohibition.  I have no time to come up with anything funny, so I’ll leave you with this photo.

There is no task I half-ass more than shoveling.

Many of my neighbors take pride in revealing every inch of pavement, like eager children clearing their plates. Not me. I’ll take my chances with the sun. But the dog was hungry and it’s my job to provide food – food the snow prevented me from picking up yesterday. So I started digging an escape route.

As you can see, this proved difficult. Out of necessity, a seldom-used garden shovel came off the bench. The tool performed admirably under the circumstances, like Jeff Hostetler with the 1990 Giants, or Harry Truman in World War II.

After rearranging the cars, I was off.

I fully expected today’s low point to be the shoveling. But after retrieving Bailey’s food, I was grounded. Not by snow – by air. Or lack thereof. What pierced my tire is anyone’s guess.

In a slushy Starbucks parking lot, I slapped on the spare.

Upon my return from ETD Discount Tire, I watched Texas A&M – my Final Four pick – squeak out a huge win over Louisville. Just the catharsis I needed. If Winthrop finds a way to beat Oregon, I’d have to say today was a good day.

Update: I now realize Winthrop and Oregon play tomorrow. But I did treat myself to Fuddruckers tonight, which was far more satisfying. I noticed they’ve stopped asking for your name. This always baffled the staff. My two favorite examples came at the expense of college friends Phil Perry (”Fell P”) and Cass Dugan (”Ass B”). Frankly, I’ll miss that.

I waited around all day for the snow to melt. With all the talk about global warming, you never know what to expect. I’m very patient when it comes to not shoveling.

This was a long shot.

Eventually I cleared an escape route. Speaking of snow removal, it wasn’t a banner day for the Livingston snow removal professionals. I never saw a plow.

Our family portrait is finally on display in our newly painted dining room. And if you happen to be wandering around Montclair, it’s also appreciating in the photographer’s studio on Bloomfield Avenue. Glad we have an original.

Today I spent over $2,000 without leaving the house. It wasn’t even that hard.

If not for LaDanian Tomlinson’s four fantasy touchdowns or the Giants big road win, this might be difficult to talk about.

Our chimney was diagnosed with the ventilation equivalent of acid-reflux disease. Symptoms included falling tiles and our heat not working. Instead of a simple purple pill, the prescription was an expensive chimney liner. Add in the cost of our plumber’s initial consultation, and that’s where the $2,000 comes in.

Which brings me to this: my company is hiring. Renegade Marketing. Good place to work, great people to work with. Lots of open positions, specifically in account management and media planning. We’re also seeking a good account planner. Employees get a cash bonus for recruiting new Renegade all-stars. So, if you’re great at what you do, but seek a new challenge and want to help defray my home heating costs, send me an email (jasonenglish1-at-gmail-dot-com).

We’ve just completed major construction at the English family compound. This included a freshly painted dining room (above), living room (below), and hallway.

You’ll have to trust me on the hallway.

If this were an ad campaign, Ellen would be credited as both Art Director and Account Supervisor. My contributions would not warrant mentioning.