After a five-and-a-half hour commute last night, I brought ‘Commuting Suicide’ out of retirement over at mental_floss:
I used to write a column called â€œCommuting Suicideâ€ for YesButNoButYes. For a while, this was fun. But as my body became more conditioned to bus travel, I struggled to find novel complaints. Itâ€™s been over a year since the last installment.
But none of the slight inconveniences I whined about can compete with yesterdayâ€™s journey home. I left the office at 5pm and didnâ€™t get home until 10:30. Here are excerpts from emails I sent to my wife and various friends from the bus:
â€œSnow has turned to sleet, I think. Iâ€™m actually not sure where we are. Thereâ€™s a WalMart Iâ€™ve never noticed before. We may still be on that road right after the Lincoln Tunnel. Itâ€™s been 100 minutes.â€
â€œAfter three hours, weâ€™re somewhere in Harrison. Itâ€™s an interactive commuting experience, as the driver is now following a shortcut suggested by a passenger. Other people are chiming in as well, like audience members at a Price Is Right taping.â€
â€œNow other passengers are offering advice, walking up from the back. Lots of pointing. Itâ€™s tough to put â€˜I-Will-Now-Accept-Your-Navigational- Inputâ€™ back in the bottle.â€
â€œI just remembered that my car is on top of the Park nâ€™ Ride lot, five spots away from the roofâ€™s shelter. Good times.â€
â€œIâ€™m so glad I didnâ€™t drink any sparkling water this afternoon.â€
â€œAny chance I put the ice scraper back in my car?â€
â€œNow I think weâ€™re lost, though some guy just rang the bell and hopped off. Not sure whether he actually lives near here, or, after three hours and twenty-two minutes, just couldnâ€™t take it any longer.â€
â€œOoh, weâ€™re back on track. Weâ€™re on Northfield. Iâ€™ll call you from the car.â€
â€œCorrection: Weâ€™re on Northfield, but the bus is sliding backwards. Also, the bus is filling with smoke.â€
â€œWeâ€™re pulled over, waiting. For what Iâ€™m not sure. A lady shouted, â€˜My lungs are filling up!â€™ Guess Iâ€™ll get out and walk. Itâ€™s gotta be about four miles from Seton Hall Prep to the Park & Ride at Turtleback Zoo. Through the snow. Canâ€™t wait to hold this over my kidsâ€™ heads.â€
OK, itâ€™s only two miles. That part may get left out when this story is passed down. And the ice scraper wasnâ€™t in my car. Lucky for me, a bathing suit was. It worked wonders.
[See the original post at mentalfloss.com.]