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From the IMDb plot summary of Marley & Me: “A family learns important life lessons from their adorable, but naughty and neurotic dog.”

The role of Marley could have been Bailey’s big break.

Maternity leave came early to the English household this year. After a few sky-high blood pressure readings, Ellen has been placed on the physically unable to perform (PUP) list. At our last OB appointment, the words, “Labor can happen at any time” were spoken. I’d better get cracking on an out-of-office message of my own.

Spending quality hours on her left side is just what the doctor ordered (quite literally), and Bailey is proving to be a cozy companion. I’ve been working from home, too, and I’m sure we’ll soon look back at these quiet, kinda boring days as the “we-had-no-f**king-idea-what-was-coming” era.

Now read on to see where our first born will be sleeping and storing his or her stuff.

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You’ve most likely seen this clip dozens of times in the last couple months, but I can’t get enough of it. I play it for Ellen at least once a week. Now it’ll always be easily accessible.

I’m now two months into my Weight Watchers membership. I’ve learned something shocking—sweating more and eating less actually works. To celebrate today’s positive weigh-in, I grilled up a hamburger for lunch.

If I don’t post a status update next Monday, now you know why.

Though I haven’t posted many Bailey photos of late, we’ve taken plenty. Here’s a smattering.

Ellen caught Bailey lounging in one of our few Bailey-Free Zones. The camera didn’t budge her. I think she’s claimed it as her own. Read on for Father’s Day photos…

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I’m stunned. The only other celebrity death that really shook me was Phil Hartman. Tim Russert will be missed on Sunday mornings, throughout this campaign and beyond. Election nights won’t be the same.

One of the quirkier parts about my job is all the unsolicited email. This message I felt compelled to share:

Hello Mr. Jason english:

The following press release announcing the recycling efforts of 49er Communications, may be of interest to your audience. Any editorial comment or mention that you may give this press release would be greatly appreciated.

49ER COMMUNICATIONS ANSWERS THE CALL TO RECYCLE: JOINS NATIONAL RECHARGEABLE BATTERY RECYCLING PROGRAM

GRASS VALLEY, CA - June 5, 2008 - With its eye on the environment, 49er Communications is supporting a national program called Call2Recycle(TM) that helps consumers conveniently recycle their used rechargeable batteries and old cell phones. 49er Communications, a national two way radio dealer, has joined forces with other members of the rechargeable battery industry to fund the program which educates the public on the benefit of recycling rechargeable batteries, batteries commonly found in products such as cellular and cordless telephones, cordless power tools, laptop computers, two-way radios, camcorders, and a variety of other portable electronic products as well as cell phones.

It goes on for many more paragraphs. Richard Karn is somehow involved.

The program itself is probably a good one. Had the press release been titled “National Rechargeable Battery Recycling Program Aims To Save The World” or “Guess What Richard Karn Is Up To!” I wouldn’t have an issue. But I have never heard of 49er Communication. Why would their recycling efforts be of interest?

I’m torn about unsubscribing. I really want to see what nonsense Majon International—the PR machine behind the email—can dish up next. Also, I actually did unsubscribe after their May 22nd announcement (”INDUSTRY USES SIMULATION FOR GAINED EFFICIENCY, INCREASED PRODUCTION TO MEET REGULATION, OVERSIGHT, ECONOMIC CONDITIONS”) and it didn’t take.

Hope they greatly appreciate the editorial comment.

This Weight Watchers stuff really works. I need an endorsement deal to help defray baby costs. I’ve got some terrifying ‘Before’ pictures that would work great in banner ads.

As of today, our baby is due next month. I’d be lying if I said that didn’t freak me out a little. But while we (I) may not be ready to swan dive into parenthood, at least this kid won’t be naked or toyless or illegal to transport.

For the last few months, Ellen’s mom has been secretly planning a baby shower. Miraculously, I didn’t spoil the surprise.

Upon seeing this mountain of presents, I realized our house won’t fit a baby and all the equipment it comes with. This either means we’ll need an addition (and I’ll need a second job) or we’ll need a new house (and I’ll need this kid to showcase a very lucrative talent at a very early age).

All those presents didn’t come cheap. In order to fully stock our nursery, Ellen had to open the gifts one by one as fifty friends and relatives stared intently. She took one for team English. (I was back at her parents’ house watching coverage of the Puerto Rico primary.)

Mother and very pregnant daughter.

And this is where our baby will sleep. Unless we get one of those babies that doesn’t.

Thanks to everyone for all the fantastic baby stuff. We’ll put it to good use and take pictures to prove it. Finding a place for everything was a challenge. But at least things don’t get any tougher.

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The next stop on the pregnancy train: birthing class! Class 1 (of 4) is tomorrow. I hope stroller assembly is on the syllabus.