jasonenglish1.com

Dear FTD:

I ordered Valentine’s Day roses for my wife, which were not delivered.

I expressed my displeasure through this form Thursday night, and I just received this email from “Robert,” which I actually find offensive: “Thank you for your recent purchase from FTD.COM for Ellen English. We’re sorry that your experience was less than satisfactory. FTD.COM strives to provide you with the very finest service. We have refunded your credit card 20 percent of the merchandise cost for late delivery.”

I will not pay one penny for the half-dead flowers she received Friday afternoon. I have filed a dispute through American Express. Please do the honorable thing and refund my entire $75 purchase. You didn’t do an 80% satisfactory job here. You scored a zero, and deserve to be paid accordingly.

I have had good service through FTD in the past, and would consider using your company in the future. Only if, of course, you live up to your SATISFACTION GUARANTEE: “We guarantee fresh, beautiful floral arrangements and plants that will last at least seven days. If you are not satisfied with the freshness of your flowers, please contact us within that time period and we will replace your item or refund your money.”

Where can I send you a picture of what the flowers looked like upon arrival? FTD should be embarrassed. Again, full refund. No room for negotiations. Please don’t send another slimy “how about 20% off?” email. That’s beneath you.

Thank you,

Jason

Yes, it lacks the story arc of my Sprint customer service nightmare. I promise to spend 3-4 hours on my rebuttal to their inevitable “The Satisfaction Guarantee is not valid on major holidays” canned response.

Update: Satisfaction granted.