jasonenglish1.com

Mr. English,

Per our conversation your account has been refunded in full.

Below is my contact information, if you ever need any further assistance in the future, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Let me assure you this is not typical of the way we do business.

Thank you for taking the time to let us know about your recent experience and for giving us the opportunity to make this right for you.

I love it when things work out in the end.

Dear FTD:

I ordered Valentine’s Day roses for my wife, which were not delivered.

I expressed my displeasure through this form Thursday night, and I just received this email from “Robert,” which I actually find offensive: “Thank you for your recent purchase from FTD.COM for Ellen English. We’re sorry that your experience was less than satisfactory. FTD.COM strives to provide you with the very finest service. We have refunded your credit card 20 percent of the merchandise cost for late delivery.”

I will not pay one penny for the half-dead flowers she received Friday afternoon. I have filed a dispute through American Express. Please do the honorable thing and refund my entire $75 purchase. You didn’t do an 80% satisfactory job here. You scored a zero, and deserve to be paid accordingly.

I have had good service through FTD in the past, and would consider using your company in the future. Only if, of course, you live up to your SATISFACTION GUARANTEE: “We guarantee fresh, beautiful floral arrangements and plants that will last at least seven days. If you are not satisfied with the freshness of your flowers, please contact us within that time period and we will replace your item or refund your money.”

Where can I send you a picture of what the flowers looked like upon arrival? FTD should be embarrassed. Again, full refund. No room for negotiations. Please don’t send another slimy “how about 20% off?” email. That’s beneath you.

Thank you,

Jason

Yes, it lacks the story arc of my Sprint customer service nightmare. I promise to spend 3-4 hours on my rebuttal to their inevitable “The Satisfaction Guarantee is not valid on major holidays” canned response.

Update: Satisfaction granted.

Help launch Bailey’s spokesdog career by voting for her in the Bissell Most Valuable Pet photo contest.

After a five-and-a-half hour commute last night, I brought ‘Commuting Suicide’ out of retirement over at mental_floss:

I used to write a column called “Commuting Suicide” for YesButNoButYes. For a while, this was fun. But as my body became more conditioned to bus travel, I struggled to find novel complaints. It’s been over a year since the last installment.

But none of the slight inconveniences I whined about can compete with yesterday’s journey home. I left the office at 5pm and didn’t get home until 10:30. Here are excerpts from emails I sent to my wife and various friends from the bus:

“Snow has turned to sleet, I think. I’m actually not sure where we are. There’s a WalMart I’ve never noticed before. We may still be on that road right after the Lincoln Tunnel. It’s been 100 minutes.”

“After three hours, we’re somewhere in Harrison. It’s an interactive commuting experience, as the driver is now following a shortcut suggested by a passenger. Other people are chiming in as well, like audience members at a Price Is Right taping.”

“Now other passengers are offering advice, walking up from the back. Lots of pointing. It’s tough to put ‘I-Will-Now-Accept-Your-Navigational- Input’ back in the bottle.”

“I just remembered that my car is on top of the Park n’ Ride lot, five spots away from the roof’s shelter. Good times.”

“I’m so glad I didn’t drink any sparkling water this afternoon.”

“Any chance I put the ice scraper back in my car?”

“Now I think we’re lost, though some guy just rang the bell and hopped off. Not sure whether he actually lives near here, or, after three hours and twenty-two minutes, just couldn’t take it any longer.”

“Ooh, we’re back on track. We’re on Northfield. I’ll call you from the car.”

“Correction: We’re on Northfield, but the bus is sliding backwards. Also, the bus is filling with smoke.”

“We’re pulled over, waiting. For what I’m not sure. A lady shouted, ‘My lungs are filling up!’ Guess I’ll get out and walk. It’s gotta be about four miles from Seton Hall Prep to the Park & Ride at Turtleback Zoo. Through the snow. Can’t wait to hold this over my kids’ heads.”

OK, it’s only two miles. That part may get left out when this story is passed down. And the ice scraper wasn’t in my car. Lucky for me, a bathing suit was. It worked wonders.

[See the original post at mentalfloss.com.]

Brett’s blockbuster Saved by the Bell quiz is up (test yourself here). And here’s a fantastic picture he acquired of Kate & DJ, which he used in his blog entry announcing the quiz.

Just a little something to get you excited for Brett Savage’s Saved by the Bell quiz tomorrow over at mental_floss.

Update…

The quiz is ready.

We are thoroughly enjoying the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet right now. In fact, we’re playing along at home. Before I get to a prediction (Super Bowl, not Puppy), here are some action shots…

Read the rest of this entry »

Here’s a round-up of the most recent photos I’ve deemed blog-worthy. Most involve the dog.

In a rare weekday occurrence, I had visitors the other afternoon. After meeting up with Brett Savage and Matt Hall at the still-thriving Pizza Hut Lunch Buffet, they came back to see the redesigned basement and hit a few virtual rounds.

Let me zoom in on that for you…

Bailey was unimpressed.