I called at about 6PM from my work phone. Got to speak to the first representative at about 7PM.

I very nicely explained that I was not getting service in my office and would need to cancel my contract and return the phone.

The rep went from zero to gladiator mode about two seconds after I said “cancel.”

He told me that I could not be telling the truth about the dead spot because I had made 10 calls from “that area” in the last two months.

I explained to him that sometimes I could get a very week signal and pick up a call, but it would always be garbled and dropped within a few minutes.

He countered that since they couldn’t verify that claim, he could not give me any discounts.

I invited him to send a representative to my office to try and make some calls. He responded that I was now being unreasonable.

And then things started getting strange.

Every cell phone contract has a binding arbitration clause. I know little a bit about these clauses because I am a class action lawyer (mostly defense) and had attended a seminar on cell phone arbitration clauses as a mechanism to avoid class actions. When you sign your contract you give up the right to sue the cell phone company in a convenient forum like small claims court in favor of what they argue is a more efficient arbitration. I remember the representative from the cell phone company defending their arbitration policy as fair and easy to invoke at the seminar. I had always wondered if it were true and now had a chance to satisfy my curiosity…

“Well, it looks like we have a dispute that you and I can’t resolve, is there a dispute resolution process at your company?”

“No, not that I know of.”

“Well, it says in the my contract that instead of bringing a small claims action to settle our dispute, I have to use your arbitration program, are you aware of that procedure?”

“You need to talk to my supervisor about that.”

“Ok, could you transfer me?”

“Actually, she is not available, she will have to call you back.”

****************24 Hours Pass*************

I call again, and explained that I was waiting for a phone call.

“I don’t have any notes on your account about that sir.”

“Fantastic.” [went though it from the beginning].

“You would have to speak to my supervisor about that.”

“Great, could you transfer me?”

“There may be a long wait, would it be better for you to have her call you back.”

“Not really, I’ve already tried that and.”

“So you would rather hold?”

“I would rather speak to her now. But I’ll hold.”

*******30 minutes later******

I get someone named “Sholanda” who picks up the phone in FULL on battle mode.

“What can I help you with.” (very bruskly)

[I explain the whole situation].

“….So what I think could resolve the situation is if you give me a credit back for the two months that I did not get service [about 150$], and I’ll pay the 200$ cancellation fee and return the phone. Or I’ll pay for the two months service, and return the phone if you caqn waive the 200$ cancellation fee.”

“I can’t do any of that, you had 14 days to make sure your service was OK, and this is the first time you called.”

[I explained about changing offices after the 14 days].

“I can’t verify those claims.”

“Well, it appears we have reached an impasse, and I think I need to invoke the arbitration procedures in the contract.”

“I don’t know what you are talking about.”

“The arbitration procedure in the contract I signed. I am going to need an arbitrator to settle our dispute.”

“Could you please hold?”

“I suppose.”

*****20 Minutes Later*****

“You have to speak with our legal department about the arbitration.”

“Great, could you transfer me?”

“No, you have to have your lawyer write them a letter.”

“It would be more convenient for me to speak to them on the phone.”

“Legal does not talk to customers, they will only speak to your lawyer.”

“But I am representing myself in this dispute. I can’t do that?”

“No, legal will only speak to your lawyer.”

“Would it help if I told you I was a lawyer?”

“No, you are a customer, you need to hire a lawyer.”

“So the only way to resolve this $200 dispute is to hire a lawyer?”

“No, you can pay the charges.”

“Really? I can just pay the charges?”

[silence].

“Ok, can I write them a letter without a lawyer and ask for an arbitrator?”

“Yes, but they may not respond.”

“Did you really just say that?”

“Excuse me?”

“Never mind.”

“What about an email? That would be easier for me.”

“No, our legal department does not have an email address, you have to write a letter.”

“Your lawyers doesn’t have email address?”

“No.”

“Seriously?”

[silence].

“Do you realize that that sounds a little unbelievable?”

[silence].

“Ok, to recap, the only way to start the arbitration process to write a letter to legal, to which they may or may not respond?”

“They will only talk to your lawyer.”

“Right. I have to hire a lawyer to resolve my $200 dispute.”

“No. It is your choice whether or not to hire a lawyer. You can resolve the dispute by paying the charges.”

“Oh yeah, I forgot about that.”

“May I have the address?”

[gives me the address].

I wrote a letter. It has been two weeks with no response. I am not holding my breath. I am emotionally preparing myself for round two on the phone. I think I may record my next conversation for quality control and training purposes.

Oh, and someone mentioned the idea of a class action lawsuit earlier. Forget it. The federal judiciary has all but eliminated class action lawsuits in the past 10 years. And, coincidently, when you signed your cell phone contract you agreed not to bring a class action lawsuit, and courts across the country have held these clauses to be enforceable. Because, you know, all lawsuits are bad.