jasonenglish1.com

As we discussed, I spent a few days in Durham for the weekend portion of Career Week. I thoroughly enjoyed every aspect of the journey. Met some fantastic people, ran into some old friends, and look forward to my return trip in April, for Ellen’s Five-Year Reunion.

I’m not sure how seriously the undergrads took my words of wisdom. After all, my most important career skill is grammar. But I realized how much I like sitting on panels. If you have a panel with an empty seat, whatever the topic, count me in.

Now for the photo tour. I found the Chapel still there.

Those look like new benches.

Old House K, the heart of Kilgo Quad.

Ellen’s 5th floor York window is barely visible. Crane your neck.

Local riff raff.

The revamped Bryan Center Walkway. We used to call it the BC Walkway, because we were trendy and loved initials. Today’s students just complain about how inconvenient the construction was. This came up in more than half my interviews.

A new addition to the Walkway was this tented smoothie bar, which claimed to have the Triangle’s best smoothies. They did not give me the chance to confirm.

I don’t know what this was all about. On Saturday, a group of skateboarders was doing rather incredible tricks on (and off) the new levels. I’m not even sure levels is the right word.

You’ll have to wait until April for a more thorough photo tour.

Senator John Warner’s son recently got married. The Times wrote it up. And the person who wrote the announcement sounds intent on breaking up the marriage already.

I submit these few lines as evidence:

Mr. Warner was surprised he had much in common with a schoolteacher.

Nevertheless, he wasn’t interested in a second date with her.Then, one year later, tired of young, temperamental beauties, he called. Ms. Hamm wasn’t miffed and agreed to see him. “I feel strongly that you never want to close any doors,” she said. “You never know.”

“John is all-inclusive,” Tommy Walker, an old friend, said of his parties. “He invites not only the people he’s close to, but also the guys doing the gardening at his house.”

Through it all he remained a die-hard and distinctive bachelor, sometimes picking dates up in his 1936 Packard or his 1966 Aston Martin. But he grew to dislike breaking hearts as much as he hated eating tofu. “Johnny never wants to let anyone down,” said Jill Mullen, a friend.

He also became disillusioned, always questioning the motives of the women he dated. By the time he was in his early 40s, he had broken two engagements and pretty much given up hope. “A lot of women in New York and L.A. are in it for the dollar, not for a healthy relationship,” he said wearily.

He, on the other hand, was unsure about Ms. Hamm, whose family founded the Hamm’s Brewing Company, which was based in Minnesota. She was nothing like the wild supermodels and party girls he had been dating. Ms. Hamm has unflashy clothes, jewelry and ways and is the opposite of high-maintenance.

The bride, meanwhile, looked completely natural in her sleeveless gown and her hair pulled back as if for tennis.

What a hatchet job.

[Also posted on YesButNoButYes.]

Yesterday was the twenty-one year anniversary of the Challenger Explosion. I was in first grade at the time. When I try to remember the events of that day, I picture my class in the library, ready to take part in a lesson from space. Then we all watched in shock and awe and horror.

This almost certainly never happened.

Had my memory been correct, I’m sure I’d recall how our frantic teachers reacted. I’d probably be haunted to this day. Our relationship with Lakeview Elementary School librarian Babs Danilack would have been forever changed. None of these things occurred.

The only time I remember watching breaking news in the classroom came nine years later, the day we learned Orenthal James Simpson was not guilty. I know I’m not making this up, because it happened in Mass Communications class, and the teacher filmed us watching The Juice go loose. The footage is in the 1996 Morris Knolls Eagle’s Eye video yearbook (in case you don’t believe me).

So if any Lakeview alums out there have more accurate accounts of what we did January 28, 1986, enlighten us.

Employer: Mr. Drummond’s Company
Show: Diff’rent Strokes
Job: Change Agent

Phil Drummond was the Angelina of his time – rich and sexy and adopting kids of other races way before it was cool. While he lived a life of luxury, his company was not always the best corporate citizen. They were behind those sugar-filled vending machines in Arnold’s school. And there is very little evidence they valued the rank-and-file, as indicated by the attempt to put Mr. Drummond’s old disc jockey friend out of work in Portland.

But where you see tooth decay and disloyalty, I see an opening. As a Change Agent – an intentionally vague and shallow term to minimize actual responsibility – I’d work to sway public opinion. To win us friends, I’d impose a wide range of green initiatives. As an occasional recycler (cans, not paper), I’m uniquely qualified. I even have one of those fancy fluorescent light bulbs. But just one. It’s dim and hurts my eyes.

Employer: Malibu Sands Beach Club
Show: Saved by the Bell
Job: Lifeguard/Volleyball Judge

In high school, I was a cashier at our local A&P supermarket. Seven other classmates I’d put in the “good friends” category were among my co-workers. The hardest part of the job was not laughing hysterically in the face of all the unintentional comedy. We had signs and a looping public address announcement imploring customers with special needs to seek our assistance. This was as far as our disability outreach went. When a man who could barely walk demanded help, our night produce manager (later my Best Man) Brett had to push him up and down the aisles on a swivel chair. That man later refused to be checked out by a woman.

What does this have to do with the Malibu Sands? Well, nothing, really. But since I very much enjoyed working a crappy job with a bunch of friends, I’m sure working a crappy job with a bunch of friends in Malibu would be far superior. Even with the irascible Leon Carosi as boss.

Continue reading “Fictional Sitcom Employers For Which I’d Love To Work” at YesButNoButYes

This is Washington Redskins kicker Mark Moseley, your 1982 NFL Most Valuable Player. The last straight-on kicker. I had no idea.

At least I’d heard of Moseley. Other former MVPs include Cleveland Browns quarterback Brian Sipe (1980), Baltimore Colts quarterback Bert Jones (1976), Washington Redskins running back Larry Brown (1972).

I’ve got some research to do.

I’m pretty impressed with my September 9th prediction that Indianapolis would defeat New England by four points to win the AFC Championship. Sure, my score was off – I had 31-27; the actual score was 38-34 – but who could have predicted those two offensive linemen touchdowns? (I did see the Dan Klecko TD coming.)

In other news, I have two mental_floss entries today. One on the Grammy-nominated Super Bowl Shuffle, and one on deadly but memorable Action Park.

That’s all I have to say right now.

“[name withheld] was charged with simple assault for pulling his girlfriend’s hair and grabbing her, causing injury to her wrists and chest. He was originally charged with two counts of simple assault, for striking her head and face with her hands, and with a bowling pin.”

(This category brings you actual stories from my local town paper, when warranted.)

Back on September 9th, I made a few crazy predictions about the upcoming NFL season. Let us review, in parentheses and italics.

Teams that will be worse than everybody thinks:
Carolina (I was correct. A fashionable Super Bowl pick, the Panthers struggled to finish at 8-8.)
Philadelphia (Things were looking good for me until Jeff Garcia came off the bench and saved the season. The 10-6 Eagles won their division and a playoff game.)
Seattle (While they limped into the playoffs, the Seahawks were not the elite team many expected, even in the weak NFC.)
Miami (Sucked as predicted. 6-10.)

Teams that will be better than everybody thinks:
Tampa Bay (This section hurts my psychic credibility. Tampa Bay was 4-12.)
Detroit (Terrible, terrible team. Terrible, terrible pick. 3-13.)
Buffalo (We’ll call this a push at 7-9.)
Cleveland (I’ve been predicting big things for the Browns for years. Another disappointing 4-12 season.)

Conference Championship Games:
AFC: Indianapolis 31, New England 27
NFC: Dallas 20, Chicago 10

(Not bad, picking three of the final four. If my office had held an NFL pool, I’d still be in contention.)

Super Bowl XLI
Indianapolis 38, Dallas 13
Super Bowl MVP: Peyton Manning

As for tomorrow, I’ll stick with my original conference championship game picks. The Colts win and the Bears lose, setting up an Indianapolis-New Orleans Super Bowl.

This wasn’t easy. I’m torn between Brady and Manning. As a Yankees fan, I like dynasties. The Patriots are the only one we’ve got right now, unless the Spurs manage to win another title. But I also like to see the perennial loser slide on the ring, a role Manning has perfected. Even though he seems like he’d keep his own stats in pick-up basketball – and be happy out-rebounding you in a loss – he has my support.

Colts 31, Pats 27
Saints 20, Bears 17

If you’re in Durham County and looking for life coaching, January 27th is your lucky day.
Earlier this week, I was asked to participate in Duke Career Week. That means flying down to Durham, sitting on two advertising-related panels and conducting interviews with would-be Renegade interns.

I was not their first choice. My company’s founder and CEO is the pride of the class of 1979. He’s now unable to attend, making me a replacement player of sorts. Dick Sargent to his Dick York. An understudy.

But I’m very much excited for the opportunity. If you’re a gung-ho Duke student who found this post by Googling the panelists, color me impressed. Feel free to send me an email (my address should be listed in whatever program you found my name).

The polite folks at the Career Center asked for a photo; I sent the one above. Would you take career advice from that guy?

Extras has been on my need-to-watch list for a while now. During season one, the episodes started filling up our TiVo queue. You know how it is.* We eventually decided Extras was a better Netflix series, the kind you bang out in a weekend. Watching this clip moved up the time frame from “the unforeseeable future” to “as soon as I can force myself to finish the wildly disappointing Clerks 2.”

*If you don’t know, it is overwhelming.

I’m quite fond of the Coors Light campaign featuring old footage of NFL coaches. Apparently, they can only use former coaches, because current ones aren’t allowed to endorse alcohol. Studies show most teetotalers cite the lack of active head coach endorsement as their reason for abstaining.

The all-time greatest NFL press conference moment came in 2000, when Giants coach Jim Fassel pushed his chips to the center of the table. He’s not working right now and could probably use the paycheck. Let’s make this happen, people who make Coors Light ads happen.

Read the rest of this entry »

Before the season started, I picked a Colts/Cowboys Super Bowl, with the Bears and Patriots rounding out the final four.

I made some other crazy predictions, which we’ll discuss another time. But let me get these in under the wire.

Colts 24, Ravens 20
Bears 20, Seahawks 10
Chargers 31, Patriots 17
Saints 34, Eagles 28

I’m holding out hope that Peyton can pull it together, despite all the evidence to the contrary.  And I have a feeling the Pats’ obvious coaching and quarterback advantages just can’t stop the Chargers. Enjoy the games.

My recent mental_floss work:

• Forget about Google spoiling their employees. What’s the crappiest perk you’ve ever received?
• Just how crazy was the recently deceased Turkmenistan President-for-Life?
• Why do they call it Kinko’s?
• What are the busiest shopping days of the year?
• Was New Coke really a savvy marketing maneuver?

And here are a few contributions I’ve made to YesButNoButYes:

+In Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs, Chuck Klosterman talks about “the primary cultural obsession of all people born between 1968 and 1980 (i.e., profound nostalgia for the extremely recent past).” I came into the world in 1979, just under the wire. And I’m nostalgic for everything that’s happened since.

I had no real reason to conduct a YouTube search of “Mr. Belvedere.” But it returned some great results, some only tangentially related to Mr. B. Like these ABC promos, featuring Kirk Cameron, Larry & Balki, the dad from Just the Ten of Us, Dave Coulier, Randy Newman reworking the lyrics of “I Love L.A.” to be about MacGyver, and more.

+The not-very-long awaited sequel to my definitive list of NFL Quarterbacks’ Wives. The original version has been viewed approximately 75,000 times. The follow-up is reminiscent of Frampton Comes Alive II, which probably isn’t on your iPod.

Now that I’m eternally connected, I can post funny comments from stuff I read on the bus. From Bill Simmons’ chat wrap:

“Who was sitting around in the NFL offices saying, ‘You know what we need to do? We need to change the pants for the refs!’ How does that even come up in conversation? Is it somebody’s job to dress the refs? Did they feel like they needed to justify their salary by pushing for a pants switch?”

I should remember that no matter how slow the traffic, or how annoying the seatmate, things could always be worse. My driver could decide to stab me.

New Jersey - WABC, January 8, 2007 - A bus driver is in police custody in New Jersey, accused of stabbing a passenger.

Police say the driver got into a fight with the passenger around 8:45 Monday night at a stop along Bloomfield Avenue.

The passenger allegedly spat in the driver’s face during a dispute over the fare. Police say that’s when the driver pulled out a knife and stabbed the passenger in the shoulder. That passenger was taken to Newark Hospital.

I did almost get spit on once, but that was in the bus terminal. Besides, I lacked the proper retaliatory stabbing implement to escalate matters to the ABC News-worthy level.