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Our President’s approval ratings might be in the sub-basement, but he’s one of Bailey’s favorite new toys.

Order your 365-days of Bailey calendar today.

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Bill Simmons of ESPN mentioned this classic 1996 SNL sketch in his Friday NFL column. Hit play and give it a second to load.

I did not know Pop Rocks were still being produced. I saw them for sale right before Christmas and decided to put a pack in Ellen’s stocking. Today we tried them.

Bad taste is one thing. Horrible aftertaste another. But our little sampling has been followed by a series of aftershocks – occasional tingling, a lingering headache, and a disappearing appetite. It’s like wearing a Hypercolor shirt for the kitchy/ironic value, only to break out in hives.

By the way, I hear smart people are doing amazing things with Hypercolor technology. Let me look into this and get back to you.

Just got a wonderfully random and misdirected MySpace message.

Did you ever go by O.E. and play football at Emporia State?

I’m looking for an old friend who disappeared off of the face of earth one semester…. He went home to NJ…that’s all I know.

If you are the Jason I knew, you once made a guy get on all fours and bark because of a rude comment he made about me. I don’t know if you ever knew how much that meant to me. If you are not the Jason I knew, I’m sorry to bother you and waste your time.

Unfortunately, that wasn’t me. But that Jason English is doing the rest of us proud.

Speaking of MySpace, my profile page is back in the market for new friends. Just make a request at myspace.com/jasonenglish1. If that’s not your thing, we also accept the old fashioned kind friend requests. Email me at jasonenglish1 (at) gmail (dot) com. I write the address like that to prevent spambots from picking it up and filling my inbox (at least I think that’s why people do that). Judging by the 282 messages in the spam folder, this isn’t working.

“At least we don’t have to listen to holiday music out here.”

It was raining and dreary and we were outside. At a bus stop. The absence of holiday music wasn’t doing it for me.

“And hey, the bus won’t be decorated.” With his second comment, the stranger earned himself December’s silver medal for annoying commuter behavior.

I find complaints about Christmas music and overbearing decorations more annoying than Christmas music and overbearing decorations. I’m staunchly pro-holiday cheer. Especially at the individual commuter level. When people are more polite and patient, life is generally better.

There are, of course, exceptions. Which brings me to an even more annoying encounter. Some passengers can’t handle their cheer. Like last Thursday’s seatmate, whose holiday spirit manifested itself in a steady stream of conversational awkwardness. He gets the gold medal. It was a long ride.

“What do you got there, headphones?”

I pretended not to hear him. My act was convincing, what with the headphones and all.
He fired again.

“Headphones, eh?” The “eh?” coincided with a firm elbow-to-elbow tap. His mind was trained on idle chit-chat. There was nothing I could do.

“What? Yeah. Headphones. iPod!” I was stammering. We were engaged.

“That’s a good idea,” he said. “Help block out the noise.” Delivered without a trace of irony.

And on he went, drunk with cheer. Every time I thought he’d talked himself quiet, he started back in. He twice asked if I had siblings. After miles and miles of absolutely nothing, he said he was ready for the holidays (“Ready as you can be these days, you know what I mean?” I did not.)

I finally got all Scrooge on him and cracked open a book. This did not have the desired effect.

“Headphones and a book? I don’t know how you concentrate!”

He’ll be hard to beat in ’07.

Our Internet Explorer and Safari-using fans have reported sporadic errors today, like only being able to view the latest post.

Enjoy this picture of Bailey laughing her ass off while our management and technology consultants assess the situation.

Ellen and I were watching the series finale of The Golden Girls yesterday. If you haven’t seen it or don’t remember, Dorothy Zbornak marries Leslie Neilsen and moves out. The last five minutes are a painful collection of hugs and tears. I was largely dissatisfied with the way the show ended, and thought the writers were unnecessarily melodramatic.

This reminded me of a goodbye email I once sent (soon to be) former co-workers.

My biggest decision of the year came back in February. I traded in my job at a large midtown ad agency for a smaller company thirty blocks south. The last job was filled with promise, a great cast, and a never ending stream of unintentional comedy. But it was time to move on. I’m in a far better place right now, in both the figurative and literal senses.

Here was my goodbye message, with the subject “Last Words.”

Feels like my whole tenure has been leading up to this email.

The last one of these was a masterpiece. The subject? “Bye.” The email? “It’s been interesting.” Since the whole brevity angle has been mastered, I’m going to take my time. And yours.

Some people I owe a great deal of thanks:

To Steve, for plucking me from the nondescript waters of Deloitte Consulting two years back, despite no evidence of advertising experience. Bold casting.

To Michael and Scott, for not cutting me loose when that inexperience showed. Time and time again.

To art directors Eric, Mike, Nancy, Pete and Antoine, for not requesting a better copywriter partner. Or for at least keeping those requests from me.

To office-mates Mike and Mark. What I gave up in personal space I got back in witty banter.

To some old timers, like Emer, Jeannette, Mario, Julie, Rich and Melton. Good old times. Good old times.

To Alexandria and Joe, for postponing their diets until I left. I can never pay full price for cookies again.

To Christina, Allison, and Nik, for something or other. I can’t remember what. I should have been taking notes.

To April, for the cookie she just brought me. Tasty.

To Jackie and Erica, for planning the best holiday party in company history. And to Philip, Patty and Mark, for paying for it.

And now it’s time to wrap this up. I’ll end with a quote from a character and a show I’ve felt a strong kinship with these last two years:

“The people you work with are people you were just thrown together with. You don’t know them. It wasn’t your choice. And yet you spend more time with them then you do your friends or your family. But probably all you’ve got in common is the fact that you walk around on the same bit of carpet for eight hours a day.”
–Tim Canterbury, The Office (BBC Version)

So thanks to all of you for sharing my (very) little bit of carpet. If I ever write that memoir, you best believe this experience will last for several chapters.

Hugs, Kisses, and a High-Five,
Jason

P.S. — For writing opportunities, for fun or profit, give me a shout. You have no idea how fired up I can get on a Saturday for my Weekend Rate.

P.P.S. — Do your f**king timesheets. You won’t be warned again.

Kudos to Mike Clemente, Scott Rubin and Phil Haney for this gem. I’d also like to thank my sister’s boyfriend Keith for pointing it out, and to the lawyers that be for not pulling it down.

I’m off until next Tuesday. Sure, I’ve got thank-you cards to write, new clothes to launder, old clothes to donate (last-second tax writeoff/soul-nourishing charity). But for the most part, I’ll be running out the clock on a memorable 2006.

Bailey’s second Christmas was eventful and exhausting. She’d like to thank Ellen’s brother Mark and his lady friend Star for the snazzy collar.

So much more to come.

Six minutes later, the Christmas outfit was torn to shreds.

The Renegade Holiday Card, featuring everyone’s favorite sites in New York City. And, thanks to me, Morristown, NJ.

(Thanks to Michael for the perfectly sized screenshot, saving me valuable time.)

I’ve been tagged.

This is far more complex than the tag we played growing up. I’m fairly certain it’s a clever ruse to increase our Google search rankings, which was almost never a priority in regular tag.

Here are the rules, as I understand them:

• There are no tag-backs, meaning I can’t tag the person who just tagged me.

• I must tag five (!) other people whose blogs I enjoy.

• I must post five things you didn’t know about me.

These five people are now it

1) Tom Sherman, of The Sherman Foundation. Tom in 2006 is like Bill Clinton in 1990. Largely controversial, much loved, but not yet a national name. Just you wait.

2) Girl on a Train, of Girl on a Train, the brilliant British cousin of Commuting Suicide. She and I need to find counterparts in Asia, Africa, South America and Australia, then publish an award-winning collection of commuting stories.

3) Justin Feinstein, of Guardedly Optimistic. Justin is coming to work for Renegade starting in January. This was part of his initial interview.

4) Miss Cellania, of Miss Cellania. Her site is consistently funny. Plus she’s been shouldering the load at YesButNoButYes while slackers like me have contributed nothing of note for months.

5) Rich Barrett, of RichBarrett.com. Rich is a transplanted New Yorker living the dream in his Charlotte castle. His blog is a great source of book/audiobook/movie recommendations, witty observations, and cute dog photos.

The idea is for these people to go tag others. I’m cool if we just let the game die here. Does blowing this off have consequences? I do not know. But I’m pretty sure you’ll be ineligible to receive that $100 Bill Gates is always promising.

These five things are news to you

1) The most obscure thing I’m good at is jumping rope. I once did fifty-nine double jumps in a row. That was in July of 1996. I see no reason to pick the rope back up today.

2) I’d love to leave the workforce and take a job at a grocery store and write a book about it. Though I’m not sure Ellen is on board with this. Maybe I could stay in the workforce, and write a book about a character who does all that. I already have a (domain) name: Self-Checkout.

3) I’m compelled to consume every word written by Chuck Klosterman, David Sedaris and Aaron Sorkin. That doesn’t mean I think every word is genius or funny or inspired. But when they put out something new, they’ve earned my attention.

4) I am going to the Duke-Gonzaga game tonight at Madison Square Garden. If you are reading this and you are too, let me know.

5) The design of this site really bothers me. Typeface, colors, layout. I need something more like Rich’s blog. This is a cry for help.

Note: The following people/blogs were ineligible, because we were tagged together: Michael, Adrian, Charles and Adam.

For the biggest Lebowski fan in your life, here’s a replica of the Time Man of the Year plaque from the other Lebowski’s estate. Buy it now on eBay for $69.13.

Far cooler than this year’s Time cover.

Email from my dad on Sunday:

“I’ve always thought Chad Pennington looked like somebody famous and I finally figured it out. He looks just like Hermie, the elf who would rather be a dentist on Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer.”

Great call. They could be twins.