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This could be the start of a highly enjoyable running feature, where I ask smart people stupid questions and marvel at their creativity. (More likely, this will be the one and only edition.) Today’s guest is Justin Feinstein. You can read more of him at Guardedly Optimistic. And after this, you’ll want to.

1. You’re on the A train on a Monday morning. Both you and the person to your right are drinking hot coffee out of Thermos-like mugs. You have two choices:

a) Accidentally spill the complete contents of your mug on the person sitting beside you.
b) Have that person accidentally spill his/her mug on you.

What’s your choice, and why?

Note: You do not know whether the person is a sweet young woman or unhinged maniac, wearing Zubaz pants or a $3500 suit.

Justin: My first instinct here is to assume the role of the spiller rather
than that of the spillee, for obvious reasons. No one wants coffee spilled
on them, especially on the A train on a Monday morning. But after some
deliberation, I decided that I would rather be the recipient of the spill.
Here’s why:

Once I had spilled the coffee, the situation would be out my hands
(literally and figuratively). Whether I had spilled the coffee on the
sweet young woman, the unhinged maniac, or someone who put way too much
thought into their ironic outfit, there would be little I could do other
than apologize profusely (I suppose I could try to run away, but the A
train is crowded in the morning). Basically, I’d be stuck waiting on
retribution, possibly in the form of a thermos clubbing.

But if the coffee was spilled on me, I’d get to call the next play. I
would size up this person next to me and decide what to do. Maybe I’d
“accidentally” spill my thermos on them in retribution (which is what I’d
probably do if it was the guy in the $3500 suit). Maybe I’d offer to share
my coffee with the now distraught sweet young woman while everyone else on
the car burst into spontaneous applause in approval of my Good Samaritan
nature. Or maybe I’d just club the guy in the Zubaz pants with my thermos.
Regardless, it would be up to me.

In the end, though, I think I would rather have the coffee spilled on me
simply because I would still get to drink my coffee. I can’t function
without it, especially on a Monday.

2. You’ve been hired by a wealthy family to name their new dog. You will be paid $10,000 for your services, under one condition. The family will introduce the dog to one random person on the street. Whatever name you choose must be greeted with some form of this sentiment: “I’ve never heard that name for a dog before!”

What name do you choose?

Justin: Friends of mine have a dachshund named Grapefruit. He is perhaps the
worst pet I’ve ever met – he hates men, other dogs and, most of all, small
children. I have been forced to spend quite a bit of time in public with
this miserable little creature, and every single time someone inquires
about his name, the response is the same: “I’ve never heard that name for
a dog before!” (or something similar)

Granted that there would now be two dogs named Grapefruit, creating the
statistical probability that the theoretical stranger could actually have
heard the name before, I’m going to stick with the proven solution here. I
mean, we’re talking about $10,000.

3. The New York Giants have advanced to Super Bowl XLI. For reasons never fully explained, late owner Wellington Mara’s will strictly stated that you are to handle the kicking duties. Of course, you can refuse, but Mara also threatened to haunt both you and the team if his wishes weren’t carried out.

If you agreed to play, would you consider kicking barefoot?

Justin: I would consider kicking barefoot, but only in tribute to the great
Chuck Klosterman and his recent piece on the subject for espn.com’s Page 2
(which I’m assuming inspired this question). But if I did decide to kick
barefoot, by the end of the game my foot would be pretty sore. Given that
Tiki Barber would probably have a mediocre game (succumbing to two weeks
of media scrutinization over his impending retirement), and with Eli
Manning’s propensity for the late fourth quarter dramatic comeback drive,
the game might come down to one kick, and I’ll be damned if I’m going out
like Scott Norwood. Sorry, Chuck – the shoe stays on.