jasonenglish1.com

Except when it’s not.

(I’ll be down in Philly for the Meakim-Daniel nuptials this weekend.  Pictures to follow.)

Dorsey Levens? Really?

Another item found on a CD burned on my last day of my last job.

Our company, a large ad agency, had just instituted a rating system that would be applied to all work. It was a strict 01 to 10 scale, ranging from “Damaging” to “World Beating.” But what the system lacked was a way to differentiate real creative opportunities from doomed projects. That’s where my supplemental cards came in.

Feel free to print them out for use in your personal or professional life.

[The second and third categories are after the jump.]

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This one will require some explanation.

At my last job, our building was undergoing major renovations. Construction was scheduled to last well over a year, and would prove to be one long headache. I was invited to join a committee appointed to lessen the burden on the rank-and-file. Since that’s my thing, join I did.

One of the early inconveniences was the closing of the cafeteria. Our committee decided to sponsor a free last meal, where employees could get a free hamburger, hot dog or grilled cheese, plus a free beverage. A nice gesture like that couldn’t go wrong. But just in case, I decided to play the Bill Simmons role and keep a running diary for the company blog.

Note: The times have been wildly approximated.

11:42 – People start to hover outside the cafeteria.

12:03 – About 50 people are already in line. They are commissioned as artists and folks begin to draw on the soon-to-be-demolished walls.

12:05 – First comment written on wall: “This place is great. Don’t change it!” D’oh.

12:07 – First complaint (“They should have figured it would be busy and bring in more workers!”)

12:09 – 63rd complaint (“I had to pay for my french fries!”)

12:24 – Another committee member physically removes a half-dozen people who were in line for thirds. And I mean forcibly.

12:32 – A third committee member overheard mumbling “Serenity now, serenity now” as the complaints come down like softball-sized hail.

12:45 – No more burgers.

1:04 – On her way out, a confused woman writes “Grilled cheese with raisin bread? Hmmm…” on the wall.

1:05 – I throw up in my mouth.

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It hasn’t been a good year for Dell. Slowing sales. Exploding laptops. Blogosphere disparagement. And it seems like every Dell now comes with a customer service horror story.

While good PR has been hard to come by, at least Mike D. can slip top TV shows a few dollars to bring Dell products into your living room.

That’s where a smart and disgruntled writer comes in. During this season’s second episode of House, Dr. House bites the hand that furnishes his promotional consideration.

“Why don’t I have a high-def in my office? I’m a department head. Tissue characterization is impossible when the pixels are the size of Legos.”

As you can see in the picture above, the pixels he’s complaining about clearly belong to Dell, a company outed as a paid sponsor in the credits.

While I’m not an Emmy-winning writer on a hit TV show*, I would imagine being told to write a product into the script is a source of contention. Glad to see the placement so organic to the plot.

*If I were, my show would be called Representing. Our main character, a disgraced former sports agent, would represent regular people (from grocery store cashiers to whipped boyfriends) against the forces keeping them down. The show would be a Scott Baio vehicle, and it would be a blockbuster.

“I don’t like looking at Charlie Weis. He’s too pearish. I wish the censors would blur him out like a perp on Cops.”

From my friend Brett, via text, during a recent Notre Dame game.

Let me shed some light on a question nobody’s asking: What’s with your domain?  Why not just jasonenglish.com?

Jungle Jason and his Safari Magic beat me to the punch.

Now you know.

Here are a few of my recent mental_floss musings:

• You Can Balance An Egg Tomorrow!*
Debunking myths and raining on your Fall Equinox parade.

• Hopefully, I Can Get A Ruling
Exploring the acceptability of using the word hopefully and wearing jean shorts.

• Sugar High
A look inside the thriving world of sugar packet collectors.

• Hunting for Answers
Ever wonder how the Nintendo Zapper worked?

• Obscure Policy Wonk
In stadiums, for $6, you can get a bottle of water. Why not the cap?

They say acquiring new customers is ten times more expensive than servicing current ones. I’m not sure that equation translates to blog readers. And even if it does, unless we start selling Jason English tank tops and book covers, this whole paragraph is largely irrelevant.

Nevertheless, I should nurture the relationship with current readers. And since Nick Coder recently identified himself as an occasional visitor, we’ll start with him.

Coder and I watched a lot of TV together at Duke. His viewer’s commentary was always enjoyable, rivaling the best DVD extra. In the above photo, The Code is on the right. On the left is Jon Ferris, known in most circles as Coder’s old roommate. Perhaps that’s why he fled North America.

Now feels like a good time to mention Ferris’ website. Jon and his girlfriend (now fiancée) Kristen have been tooling around the southern hemisphere, blogging all the while. Catch up on their South American adventures at Otras Perspectivas. The most recent post was written by a visiting Coder, tying this all up quite nicely.

If you’re interested in joining Coder in the spotlight, just raise your hand.

We’ve just completed major construction at the English family compound. This included a freshly painted dining room (above), living room (below), and hallway.

You’ll have to trust me on the hallway.

If this were an ad campaign, Ellen would be credited as both Art Director and Account Supervisor. My contributions would not warrant mentioning.

Good dental hygiene is very important to me. That’s why it hurts to announce the end of my no-cavity streak. The last blemish on my dental records came in 1999*. And while I admit I’m a tad excited to learn the ins and outs of 21st-century fillings, I need to re-examine my eating habits.

The only new addition to my summer diet were Edy’s Dibs. Remember Bon Bons? Just like those. Here’s the thing – the serving size is 26 Dibs. That’s a lot of time for a lot of chocolate to cavitize** my streaking pearly whites.

But like the guy who gives up smoking only to be diagnosed with lung cancer months later, I’ve already quit the Dibs. Been clean for 12 days.  Now I’m back on the fruit bandwagon that’s been so good to me over the years.

Let me leave you with one piece of advice – Dibs are phenomenal.  The perfect summer dessert.  If your teeth and body fat percentage are normal, try one. Or 26.

* I don’t keep great dental records. The streak could have been much longer, or possibly shorter.
** Probably not a word.

Bailey learned to steal the remote today. A pre-emptive strike before the first football Sunday.

Last year’s preseason predictions cursed a good portion of the league. I picked Daunte Culpepper as MVP, which ruined his health and reputation with a knee injury and sex boat scandal.

But I can’t resist throwing out a few wild picks. Here goes:

Teams that will be worse than everybody thinks:
Carolina
Philadelphia
Seattle
Miami (if you watched Thursday night’s opener vs. Pittsburgh, you’ll realize my Culpepper curse has not been lifted)

Teams that will be better than everybody thinks:
Tampa Bay
Detroit
Buffalo
Cleveland

Conference Championship Games:
I’d love to see a Belichick-Parcells Super Bowl. What a great story. But I picked that last year and didn’t come close. And I’d love to pick my Giants to make the leap. But looking at their schedule, I just can’t do it.

AFC: Indianapolis 31, New England 27
NFC: Dallas 20, Chicago 10

Super Bowl XLI
Indianapolis 38, Dallas 13
Super Bowl MVP: Peyton Manning

We bought a Toyota RAV-4 earlier this year. A few weeks later, the dealership sent us a $20 rebate check. “Thanks,” I probably thought. We cashed it.

This past Tuesday, out of the proverbial blue, the dealer called. “The rebate was a mistake.” “Please don’t cash it.” “You already did?” “OK, you must send us a check for $20.”

When my wife balked at mailing them the anti-rebate, the business manager threatened to call our financing company and say our loan is in default. I don’t even know what that means. But I do feel threatened.

Toyota is a $175 billion corporation.  The $20 won’t be missed.  But that’s not the point.  We’ve already bought two in our mid-to-late twenties. Treat us well, and we’ll probably buy thirteen more. I’m shocked at their short-sighted antics — they’ve now called twice and won’t back down.

Look, I know Toyota isn’t a luxury car. But this was the second-largest purchase we’ve ever made. I want to feel proud of that transaction. What a great missed opportunity for the dealer to reach out, acknowledge there was a mistake, and tell me not to worry about it. That’s relationship marketing. Don’t treat me like I swiped a $20 out of the register.